i love you tatay![mariano "nano"de villa] mahal na mahal kita i miss you so much!

this is my father i love him so much...i miss him:(..


Never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him........:(
im wishing...coz we never had a chance to dance :(   in this song .. the girl had the chance to dance with his father how lucky she is.....
when i heard this song..tears are gently falling from my eyes...i wish my father is still here..if he is ashamed to ask me  to dance  then il be the one who will ask ..il get his hand turn on the music and dance and dance untill we get tired..
maybe theres a thought running on your mind..jade is a papa's girl:> am i right?...well to feed your curiousity no im not..:)..

i grew up like i never exist with him ..he has his favorite hehe..maybe because his favorite is soft spoken while im not...i grew up with jealousy ..wish that i could get his attention without him getting mad at me..:(..
in my innocent mind i think of something that he can be proud of..i study well..i do get  good grades and honors..because my father is fond of intelligent people ..he is very proud of his bestfriend ROLANDO hmmn i really do have good memory to remember the name of his bestfriend..why should not i remember that name?because he kept on telling this "ROLANDO is super talino[intellegent].".and this little jade got an idea...she need to be intellegent too!so his father would be proud of her .I got ribbons/awards since grade1  untill i finished elementary..But i never seen  my father attending recognition even  my graduation:(..never had a chance to have him with me on the stage to get the awards ..there was a time that  im crying, my grade4 adviser had to pin the ribbons because my parents arent there ..
im growing.. and used to that treatment...i finished highschool without honors..although i belong to the achievers/runners-up.Maybe im tired of making papansin[getting attention]..maybe its not the tactic..
>>>tatay i wanna be a policewoman i said..he  said no u wont!..you know why jhay? ur temperance would put your feet in the grave.."i am disapointed ..but i feel happy atlast i felt his concern, he never want me to get in trouble or get hurt..so i just follow the course they want for me..although i cried too much because my bestfriend and i had the plan that we are getting criminology and i dont know how to tell her that im not going with her ..  just to please my father again:)..and not to get him angry if i push the course i want.
i study harder than i did when i was elementary ,had the endeavor that i didnt want ..Im telling you its not easy to get the course you dont want..Imagine 5 years of hardship ..got the chance to avail scholarship got my first job when im on my thirdyear in college, despite of hardship that i've been trough I still  got awards ACADEMIC EXCELLENCE,DEANS LISTER, BEST IN THESIS, BEST IN INVIDUAL DEFENSE IN THESIS..many to mention..:)all these are for my parents  especially to my father...but then again seems those hardship and awards are'nt appreciated maybe they arent showy...maybe they really are...I get envy with my classmates they have their parents with them while am alone in the stage and  used to get hold my tears not to fall..
I finished college...yey!..they are coming my inay and tatay yes!..for the first time im going to have my father with me while marching..Im so happy indeed..I know he is proud of me and proud of himself to be able to sent her daughter in a private school and now his daughter is an engineer..
THEY  celebrated it. invited all the relatives and friends..it was indeed a big celebration from a proud parents for their child..
I have the happiness that i never had before all the grudges that i have was gone...
till  one day........i failed him :(..never get the chance to use the degree that i have..I know even he didnt talk i know he is very disapointed ..he seldomely talk to me..im so sad this time i understnd him ..
years had past ..was shocked and almost faint when i heard he has a cancer..I  dunno what to do.. I love him so much i dont want to lose him..MY sister and I brought him to Lung center ..made all the possible ways just to save him..
Im the one who took care of him  Im so lucky that i have the chance to do it..sleepless night for how many months...Im afraid to sleep ..i never want him to wake up that i am not around..i hold his hands tell him he gonna make it..and said yes i can make it..with conviction..i saw his agony though he kept hiding it..if i could just the power to take all the pain he have  that is how i wish that  time..i want to cry but i dont want him to see me crying..i want to see him im tough so he will not get feel weak..we sing together despite of his hoarseness..you know what?...i heard him telling to his co-patient that he's proud of having a daughter like me!..God is it true? i asked...i turn around for him not to see im crying..its been a long time ..i wish to hear and feel that he is proud of me..at night when he is sleeping i had the chance to hug him and kiss him..because im not used to do that so i need to that without him knowing it..BUT one night he woke up while im hugging him..i hurriedly take off my hands then he said one more..he said i know you're doing it while im sleeping then he tongue..thats his gesture that i love..since he knows that  already... im doing it regularly..nice feeling ..i feel like im floating  its good that i could express my love for him..this gestures of mine helps to ease the pain he is suffering that time..then 1 day i asked him tatay are you still mad at me?..he said no..tears falling and hug him telling i love you tatay and thank you..he just smiled...he cant talk..
then he left us :(its so hard for me to accept that he left me i shouted tatay you are a coward i thought you are strong ..why did u left me???we will fight together tatay...tatay tatay!! and he's gone  ....the doctor told the nurses to sent me out of the room ..but i hold tight to my fathers bed..im cursing ..they was been told that they are all stupid  dont know how to save life.!!!..then after.. im begging so they will not send me out of the room..i asked the doctor that still want to be with my father...
    while im doing this tears keep falling ..i really miss my father i wish i got the chance to dance with him..


to those who still have their parents show them how much you love them..or you may regret of not doing it ...they deserve to feel the love from us...to those who have their father...... dance with them..then tell me how it feels :(...